It's one of those feelings that you've never experienced before, not the one where you've found someone that you want to be with more than anything, no, no not that. It's a stranger to me, but regardless of whether its unknown to me or not, I feel it. Strongly. It's a fragile disaster and I'm totally buried under the rubble. Regardless of this catastrophic situation falling down on me with the velocity of an avalanche, I'm seemingly the " oh well, lesson learned, won't do that again" to those who came out with less wounds than I did. Sympathy isn't demanded, but a small moment of "I'm so sorry about whats been put upon you, it must be really hard with everything that just happened". It's not the ends that justified the means in this mess, the ends exposed and tore apart the means. The means are forcefully manifested in me, because I lost a part of me that was so monumental to my life, and because I felt connected to no one while that brand new life was growing inside me. And when everything came crashing down in the dead-middle of the night, I was alone, broken on a hillside. As victimizing as this may appear, every word on this entry is how I feel right now, entirely. Call it what you will, but if you had any idea how horribly engraved in my mind this is, i'd hope you would be taken aback, and consiter your judgments gingerly. Because this is far from simple. Feeling this much hurt when you already feel emotions for multiple people, support is paramount to appeasing distress. I can't seem to find it. People think they know who I am, what I see and what I believe and where my values stand. You don't know me, because you've only seen the devil i've been carrying around with me since I was a child. And regardless of how hard I try to express this painstaking and complicated mindset that you've experienced, you seem to think that thats the only dimension I posses. I'm not throwing accusations towards anybody, but the anxiety I'm feeling is absolutely consuming. Somebody has to hear this. Please. It's that feeling where you are so intrigued by someone, that you feel a pull, feel the need to just discover who they are. And the need to let them discover you, too. But what if they wont let you?